Invisible Films

(The greatest stories never told)

It's a well known fact that many otherwise brilliant films never get the backing required to make them reality. Here then are plot synopses for some of these films.

Fantastic Journey/Incredible voyage

The heroic tale of two dogs and a cat miniaturised and injected inside a brilliant scientist. Meanwhile, in a related incident, a team of surgeons equiped with a submarine make a thousand mile over-land journey to get back home to the little boy that loves them.

How the West Was Divided Fairly, After All, This Isn't a Contest

Colonists from Europe reach the New World and initially find difficulty adjusting to the strange ways of the Native Americans. Fortunately, everyone behaves reasonably and they find that their cultures can live in peace and harmony. Nobody gives anybody blankets with diseases on them, nobody shoots flaming arrows at forts, nobody is staked out to be eaten by ants and absolutely nobody says "Give us um firewater" or "White Man Speak with forked tongue". Stars Kevin Costner and lots of people with funny names that you'll never hear about again.

The Longest Story Ever Told

Charlton Heston stars as a Roman who, cast down from a priveleged position, meets Jesus and struggles in obscurity and falls in love and attends orgies and does chariot races and climbs mountains and meets God and earns a fortune and leads a slave revolt and meets Vishnu and is forced to row in the slave galleys and saves the town from a volcanic erruption and meets Julian Cope. Unfortunately, he prefers to talk about his back problems and cost accountancy for the duration of this eight hour epic.

Star Talks

When two gigantic space-going democracies finally meet and clash, long negotiations, trade treaties, common currency negotiations and cultural exchange programs are inevitable. Stars John Major as the charismatic president.

Food of the Gods
(A scientifically accurate rerendering of the classic novel)

Brilliant maverick scientist Patrick Stewart creates a foodstuff that will cause anything to grow to enormous size. In a thousand to one accident, despite rigorous safety procedures, some of it gets left in a field somewhere and all manner of insects eat it. The insects grow to enormous size but, due to lack of internal skeletal structure and the fact that insects have no lungs and breathe by a process of molecula diffusion, they simultaneously suffocate and are crushed by their own weight before they have a chance to rampage through the city creating havoc and terror.

Herbert West: Redecorator

Brilliant young doctor Herbert West believes that he has discovered a method of defeating death itself. However, on consideration, he thinks that there are some things that people are not meant to wot of and he won't get it past the ethics committee anyway so he turns to the field of interior decor to make money.

Peter's Dragon

Young Peter is befriended by a lovable animated dragon that nobody else can see. This heartwarming story deals with his attempts to wean himself off dangerous addicting hallucinogenics.

Pre-Cambrian Park

An eccentric but lovable entrepreneur funds a team of geneticists to recreate the interesting species of blue-green algae that were the main form of life in the pre-cambrian period. He hopes that they will be the star attraction in his new theme park. Unfortunately, havoc ensues when, despite rigorous safety procedure the exhibits get loose and cause terror (by floating about in water looking like some kind of pond-scum).

Food of the Mods

Brilliant maverick scientist Colm Meaney creates a foodstuff that will cause anything to grow to enormous size. In a thousand to one accident, despite rigorous safety procedures, some of it gets left in Brighton in the early seventies and is consummed by some disaffected youths who grow to enormous size and terrorise the city on huge Lambrettas while wearing snorkel parkas and looking faintly ludicrous.

The Teleporting Time Machine

Funding agencies laugh at eccentric but lovable scientist Gene Wilder when he claims he can build a device that can teleport time-machines and his colleagues tell him that he is insane. Unfortunately, they are correct but he spends a lot of time tinkering with bits of metal and electronic parts anyway.

Dave's Dragon

Young David is befriended by a lovable 1980s 32-bit personal computer that everyone else can see but nobody believes in. Hillarity ensues as he spends hours reading badly structured manuals and dealing with the lack of software.

Night of the dead dead

A group of whacky teenagers decide that there's no better place for a wild party than the local cemetary at midnight. In an unpredictable, thousand to one accident, some mysterious cannisters of toxic waste get spilled onto the ground. Fortunately, they have no effect whatsoever apart from causing brown patches of grass and everybody really enjoys the party.

Food of the Bods

Brilliant maverick scientist Eddie Murphy creates a foodstuff that will cause anything to grow to enormous size. In a thousand to one accident, despite rigorous safety procedures, some of it gets left in the animation studio where popular animated character Bod is drawn. Somehow the slap-headed cartoon character consumes it and grows to enormous size terrorises the city and all that kind of thing.

The Plane that Time Forgot

This epic combines the thrills of two well-loved film genres, the airplane disaster movie and the rubber dinosaur movie. A normal trans-atlantic flight is disrupted when eccentric but lovable scientist Peter Cushing discovers a group of velocaraptors which have somehow survived intact from prehistoric times by hiding in the overhead locker. The crazed but super-intelligent beasts hi-jack the plane and it's up to the square-jawed, heroic captain Doug McClure to regain control of the plane before fuel runs out and the passengers are torn apart by carnivorous dinosaurs.

Little Big Amnesiac Man

Dustin Hoffmann stars as a dignified tribal elder who has been raised by Native Americans and who has lived through some of the most interesting and turbulent periods of American history. Unfortunately, he can't remember any of it.

Digby, the Most Average-sized Dog in the World

The Smiths are just an average, sub-urban, white, protestant, fully-employed, dad-works-in-a-bank, seem-to-be-permanently-stuck-in-the-1950s, kids-never- swear-aren't-on-drugs-and-want-to-catch-burglars-rather-than-be-burglars, American family until one day they purchase a completely normal dog with hillarious (but currently unspecified) consequences.

Food of the Todds

Brilliant maverick scientist Burt Reynolds creates a foodstuff that will cause anything to grow to enormous size. In a thousand to one accident, despite rigorous safety procedures, some of it gets left in Fleet Street, London in the nineneenth century and some other bits get left in the Electronics Department of the University of York. They are consumed by the demon barber Sweeney Todd and popular, York-based, electronics lecturer Ken Todd respectively both of whom grow to enormous size and terrorize their respective cities and time zones.

Journey to Inside the Centre of the Core of the Earth

Eccentric but lovable scientist Peter Cushing and square-jawed heroic Doug McClure build a machine to tunnel to the Centre of the Earth. Unfortunately, they are killed when the earth unexpectedly turns out to be filled with moulten magma instead of the giant rubber dinosaurs they had expected.

The Terminator

Doc-u-drama about the enthralling lo-tech bit of electronic gagetry that prevents reflected electric currents from stray ends of co-axial cables.

The Tyrannosaur

Eccentric but lovable scientist Jeff Goldblum invents a teleport device. Unfortunately, on his first trial, unbeknownst to him, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is in the booth with him and a hideous transformation begins to occur.

Star Trek: The Motionless picture

What starts out as a routine diplomatic mission for the heroic crew of the Enterprise continues to be a routine diplomatic mission. After all, they can't all be exciting now can they?

Food of the Clods

Brilliant maverick scientists Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor create a foodstuff that will cause anything to grow to enormous size. In a thousand to one accident, despite rigorous safety procedures, they eat it themselves and expand to enormous size. Unfortunately, they are computer programmers so they just carry on doing what they were doing anyway and nobody notices.

Silence of the Clams

A heartwarming tale of love and hope. Beautiful, young marine-biologist Meryl Streep meets a group of clams who are tragically blind, deaf and dumb. As she struggles to understand them and help them over their disabilities she realises that, beneath it all, they are as human as any other bivalve mollusc and romance blossoms (although eventually she realises it's pretty normal for clams to be blind, deaf and dumb but accepts them for it).

The Cask

Whacky, zany, rubber-faced, hardly-irritating-at-all Jim Carrey discovers an ancient barrel which grants special powers to anyone who is inside it as long as they remain within "The Cask". These powers enable him to fight crime and win the affections of beautiful women (unfortunately, neither crime nor beautiful women are present in the barrel but he continues to squat in it for hours at a time anyway because he enjoys that).

Airport 1997

When flight 49 set off from Manchester airport, everybody expected it to be a normal flight and sure enough it was. Stars Donald Pleasance as the nervous sweaty passenger who says things like "I hate flying", "I have a bad feeling about this", "We're all going to die aren't we" and "What do you mean you don't have any decent malt whisky, what kind of plane is this? Well I suppose I'll have the Glenfiddich then.".

Q-Tip the winged cotton bud

Terror from the skies as the ears of New Yorkers are mysteriously cleaned by this air-bourne horror.

Born Free Willy

The true-life story of a young high-school drop-out, his friend a gigantic Killer Whale and his struggle to return the animal to its natural habitat which, due to his poor education he believes to be the African Savannah.

Food of the Dogs

Brilliant maverick scientist Rolf Harris creates a foodstuff that will cause anything to grow to enormous size. In a thousand to one accident, despite rigorous safety procedures, some of it gets left in the city dog pound where the hungry animals consume it. Unfortunately, it doesn't work but the dogs rather enjoy it.

(Thanks are due to, Mr. Pete Fenelon and Mr. Richard Whittaker for some of these plot suggestions).
Meanwhile Dr. Douglas Clow came up with a whole page of other films

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