The Annals of Emergency Cookery
In my experience, most cookery books are written for people who have
time on their hands and access to specialist shops. Anyone can cook
in these conditions. A real cook is someone who can make something
which will stop them starving at 11:30 on a Sunday night after several
drinks with only those "things" which are always left in your cupboard.
These recipes were all discovered in "trying" conditions. When you
can't really see the saucepan very well, or you can't leave the house
because of your hangover, you're just too lazy to walk to the shops and
you just don't care any more, or
you've run out of cash and food, then is the time for Emergency Cookery.
Emergency cookery is a little known or understood art - traditionally
the specialty of the long-term single male on the slide, it has been
ignored for years as unpleasant, unhealthy and masochistic.
Move aside Delia Smith and "One is fun" - make way for the Cuisine of
Emergency Recipe Number One
- Lots of curry powder
Method: Boil the rice with lots of curry powder.
Tips: This is particularly loathesome and goes a strange green colour. The
rice will generally coagulate into some kind of gloopy mass because you were
distracted by a particularly good episode of "Prisoner Cell Block H" while
it was cooking. Usually if your standards are so low you will cook this
then you won't mind eating it anyway.
Associated risks: Usually nothing worse than severe stomache pains
Emergency Recipe Number Two
Method: Boil rice. Heat other stuff. Mix.
- Peeled tinned tomatoes (anything else is too much trouble)
- Lots of chille powder
Tips: This is slightly nicer than the curry but not much. Generally if you
add enough spice you won't notice how horrible it is.
Associated risks: Severe stomache pains and other associated problems of
the digestive tract
Emergency Recipe Number Three
Method: Take raw spaggetti - dip into "stuff" - eat.
Tips: This is a diet meal and if you concentrate hard you can pretend
it's like a breadstick/dip combination that would be free in a decent
restaurant. The choice of dips is up to you. Peanut butter is good
and the spaggetti is perfect for scraping those last little bits from
the jar. Mayonaisse is kind of OK - better if you can add some dried
herbs - any herbs will do. Marmite is, frankly, nasty and you almost
certainly won't be able to eat enough of this to fill you up.
Associated Risks: Minimal. Swelling of uncooked pasta in stomache
may lead to queasiness
Emergency Recipe Number Four
Emergency breakfast cereal
Method: Pour boiling water into bowl. Insert tea-bag. Stir. Remove
tea-bag. Add milk and cereal.
- That old stale cereal you really didn't want
- Last dribbles of milk from that lot that you bought ages ago..
Tips: This is perfect for when you've not got enough milk to have cereal
but your life is not quite at a low enough ebb to have cereal with water.
You wouldn't think twice about drinking tea while eating cereal so why
not combine the activities?
Associated Risks: Can lead to reflections on the state of your life. "What has
brought me to this?" "Have I sunk so low?" "What happened to the days of wine
and roses?" "I used to be a contendah!" etc.
Emergency Recipe Number Five
Emergency wheat-biscuit recipe
Method: Spread butter on wheetabix. Eat.
This is perfect for those times when you've run out of milk for cereal
and bread for toast but you have wheetabix and margarine.
Associated Risks: Inhalation of flakes from the unmoistened wheetabix can
lead to long term damage to throat and nasal passages. There is a possibility
of dropping the foodstuff during this "choking stage".
More recipes to follow as my standards lower.
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