VAX CLOSING DOWN SALE - EVERYTHING MUST GO

A message from CompServ

• A pair of VAXEN - often compared to Giant Pandas these lumbering beasties are slow, ponderous, likely to become extinct and basically weren't a very sound design idea in the first place. However, they're really rather cute. In today's market they could fetch anything up to a tenner.
• The purity test - several thousand of these are known to inhabit the VAX and will be flogged off at cost price. Great fun at parties if you go to that type of parties. Price varies between 10p and a quid depending on whether you want the basic 100 question or the two million question peruvian hedgehog fetishist version (for the discerning conny-sewer [or whatever])
• Jorvick - A rather dilapidated C program which has seen better days. Free with this purchase a few dozen devoted followers most of whom you wouldn't want to meet on a dark night or indeed at all. Price 10 quid or a fiver if you take zany as well.
• Outdated gossip - Yes, we will sell off all those embarassing mail messages that you forgot to delete or you deleted but we'd taken a copy of anyway. Everything must go (to the highest bidder). Items particularly worthy of note
  • Why Glanville is always smiling.
  • The who's had sex in which toilets list.
  • The real reason Nick always wears a paper-clip.
  • Who's had who chart (ask for username).
  • Amusing 'end-of-relationship' tirades - just mention whos you'd like to read.
  • What happened to EtV's scarf between '90 and late '92
  • Anything else incriminating.
  It is suggested that the following people shell out lots of cash:- Patrick, ERiK THE ViKiNG, Ed Ozric, PSYCHO & Quasar
• Unused printer ribbons, unused printers, unused software packages (NAG anyone?), useless software packages (can I have another UNIRAS please), broken operators and other sundries. Price to be negotiated.
• People called Dave - for some reason we seem to have a lot of these attracted to the VAXEN - with some particularly hard to remove examples. Reduced to clear 10p each.
• Wordperfect - I know we're supposed to be keeping it but if anybody offers us enough cash...
• Lyrics - for some reason we find we have thousands of song lyrics which have been lifted from various archives over the years. Prices vary from 10p for "I should be so lucky" to 50p for those early REM hits in the original Hungarian (ever wondered why you couldn't make out the words).
• Fortune cookies - We have several million of these to get rid of. Price 50p per lb.
• Gal-trader - the famous strategy game - barely used (honest). 70p
• The OOPS software collection - an choice collection of pointless utilities which help you write other pointless utilities. A perfect gift for a tragic person or a stupid person. Included are WHEREISN'T, HAZELTINE, PRETTYANDTRIPPY and all those thousands of things that nobody in their right mind would want. Make us an offer (or perhaps we'll just have it all burnt). This software comes complete with NO source code (GUARANTEED).
• G169 - Perfect for conversion into office space, a shop or perhaps Goodricke D-block. 1000 pounds o.n.o. (and we promise to leave that attractive rubbery floor covering stuff).
• The terminals - a few dozen VT220's - mostly in lousy condition. Complete with 'irritate-your-neighbours' keyclick device, 'EZE-break' power switch and 'Mathematicians mate' WYSECALC (WYSE terminals only). Can be used as an ornamental plant-pot or flogged off to morons as a telly. Available in a choice of two colours (neither of them pleasant).
• Vintage model WPS-Plus - a golden oldie of historical significance. Voted by "Impersonal Computer Monthly" as "Not that good really '87".
• Numerous "humourous" text files including
  • Why Cucumbers are better than men.
  • 100 offensive blonde jokes.
  • Some obscure spoddy thing about computer languages that is jolly funny if you understand it.
  • 100 more offensive blonde jokes.
  • The Smilies dictionary ;-) wink
    :-) smile
    *-*^&$#!@} venusian after car accident balancing pineapple on head with wry grin
  • 100 blonde jokes with the word blonde replaced with 'Essex girl' for topicality
  • The best of alt.tasteless '87->'92 (Including the really gross one with the testicles and the conveyor belt).
• John Halewood - be the envy of your friends with this mock-lambswool hippy - 1:1 scale constructed from genuine gunk (do not inhale).
• Mirrorshades - a job lot which have been left in terminal rooms over the years (owners unknown).
• Computational projects - pass with flying colours (or fail really quite badly). We can furnish you with the answers to any computer project set by any course on the VAX over the last five years. Prices according to what mark you'd prefer to get.
• A few dozen rubbery and strangely uncomfortable seats - capable of collapsing if you lean back on them and causing the onset of back trouble after only a few hours use.
• Those wierd step things at the back of G169 - god knows what they're for but we were stupid enough to buy them so you might be too.
• The AGFA printers - these quirky and lovably unreliable characters are the perfect excuse for any late essay or project write up.
• If we have anything else you'd particularly like then just ask.